Monday, September 14, 2009

When did this become a Twilight blog?

I swear I have a life outside of Twilight. I promise. However, the New Moon frenzy is just about to kick into high gear as we head towards the home stretch before November 20th.

The MTV VMAs were last night and because I am so devoted to Edward Cullen & Co, I had to watch to catch a glimpse of my vampire boyfriend. Surprisingly it wasn't a letdown. By now, anyone who cared to have watched knows the big shit that went down last night.

1. Taylor vs Kanye: I don't listen to country music. Period. I mean, I listen to Johnny Cash and like Tammy Wynette and Patsy Cline, but really, I don't. Taylor Swift wins the award for best female, and she goes up there in her sparkly (overdoing it a little for the VMAs) dress and she's all nervous and giggly. Then for some inexplicable reason, Kanye West storms the stage, grabs the mic and states that "Beyonce made one of the greatest videos of all time."

Two things are wrong with this. First of all, what the fuck, get off the stage, Kanye. Taylor won the award, let the girl have her moment. Who the fuck died and made you the accountant who always rigs the voting at Price Waterhouse? The look on her face was just like pure hatred towards him, she looked shocked and dismayed and humiliated. It's that look on your face where you have just been cussed out. I would know that look, I've cussed a few people out in my day. I thrive on that look, but that's another story for another time.

Number 2, Single Ladies is not one of the greatest videos ever. Just because Beyonce wears a bodysuit and prances around does not make it some sort of artistic vision. I would not put it up there with Thriller or my all time favorite video Weezer's Buddy Holly. Plus, that song annoys me, the premise is lame. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it. Umm, marriage sucks, don't encourage that, Beyonce.

Eventually, Taylor got hers because she kicked ass in her performance and Beyonce brought her up on stage at the end to finally give her speech. They were both very classy ladies, and Taylor won herself a new fan...I couldn't get that damn song out of my head the whole day. And so I illegally downloaded it. Thanks Ms. Swift.

2. Muse: God, how much does Muse kick ass? I love them. As my twitter stated, "Matt Bellamy, marry me, iwanttohaveyourbabies." And I do. And you know how I feel about the institution of marriage as above. They killed their performance so hard, MTV showed a little bit of Starlight as well. I can't believe this was their first American TV appearance, get your heads out of your asses, America and listen up. Muse is one of the best bands to come out of the UK in a long time, and they've been around for awhile now. Hope another one of their songs is on the New Moon soundtrack. I love Uprising.

3. New Moon Trailer. Okay, so Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson introduced the extended scenes trailer during the telecast. OMG. I already wrote about the trailer a few days ago when I saw it, and this one was pretty much the same, except that Edward says, "You can go to hell," in this version which is awesome. He really does look like shit in that scene, so good job makeup people. It's hard to make perfection look ugly. The same is true for the converse, which is why KStew was total win last night.

I'm not saying she's ugly, not at fact, I kinda love her so I would never say that. But I just can't get behind her mullet. But last night, she had the party in the back all pinned up and the business in the front was all sideswept and she looked AMAZING. Her nude toned Valentino mini dress was adorable, and showed off her greatest assets, her legs. Her rock and republic shoes were killer too. Her eye makeup was perfect and for the first time in awhile (probably since MTV movie awards) she really looked worthy of Pattinson, who was totally ripped.

Does it matter? No, he was barely intelligible and he probably stank worse than some of my patients (although who doesn't like the smell of Bourbon mixed with Gin) but it does not matter. It also does not matter what he wore because he could wear a parachute pants and I'd still think him sexy. And oh god, Taylor Lautner. I'm going to abstain from saying anything that could be misconstrued as a sexual innuendo until Mr. Lautner turns 18. I'm just saying, whoever dressed him and tousled his hair just so deserves a freaking cookie. There were so many key moments, from TLaut and Shakira to Robsten just eye fucking the shit out of each other on stage to the actual trailer itself. I freaking love my DVR, you know I watched that shit over and over.

The picture above is probably the cutest thing I've ever seen (at least this weekend). That is a boyfriend hug. Poor third wheeling Taylor. I don't get Summit's worry that people wont' buy into Kristen and Taylor's chemistry if she and Rob date. Like real life Edward and Bella. That's great publicity. Plus, Taylor is like 12 years old, and obviously could not keep up with hard living KStew. Most people also realize that they are fictional characters, they've read the books so they know who she ends up with, plus, no one is rooting for Bella and Jacob anyway. Team Edward, baby.

4. Going Gaga: I really like Lady Gaga's music. Put poker face or Just Dance on and I will bust a move, guaranteed. I don't really get her schtick though, like it feels like she is just trying so hard to be edgy. It feels tired. Plus, she actually does look like a dude. And she has the strangest accent I've ever heard, it's like not American, but it's not any other recognized union either.

5. Pink's acrobatics. Holy crap. I'm not really a huge P!nk fan, because I think she tries to hard to be in your face, but her trapeze performance was awesome. Like, that is some serious athleticism and vocal talent to be able to not huff and puff through that.

6. Adam Brody! Someone found him! I thought I saw his face on a milk carton, he'd been missing for so long. Unfortch, he got forced into doing some shitty movie called Jennifer's Body with Megan Fox and the effervescent Amanda Seyfried (who will always be Mean Girls Karen) by his captors. Whatever, I'm glad he's still alive and looking pretty nerdy hot still. I hope he has a dartboard with Hayden Christensen's photo on it. I loved me some Summeth.

The other performances were all pretty decent, and Russell Brand obviously wasn't really allowed to talk this year, so that was good. There's only so much nasally British I can take.


On a serious note, RIP Patrick Swayze.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Twilight Saga New Moon: making people buy tickets to shitty movies

The official New Moon trailer is being shown before the Citizen Kane comparable movie Sorority Row this weekend. I believe this is the movie with Audrina Patridge, which she probably is spectacular in because she's already got the zombie dead eyes. If you ever meet me, you should ask me to do my impression of her face, it's pretty spot on.

I have to break this trailer down, it is so fantastic. I mean, Chris Weitz is a genius. I have to say it. The man made American Pie and About a Boy, two of my favorite movies ever. Like, I watched About a Boy two weeks ago, and fuck me, Hugh Grant is awesome. I digress though.

Oh shit, the Volturi. Michael Sheen looks so freaky when he's breaking that guy's neck...although I guess anyone would be if they were killing someone. Oh Edward. He looks like a dad wearing that blazer, seriously, where'd he get that from Carlisle's closet? Regardless he looks like a DILF.

"Promise me you won't do anything reckless." Kristen Stewart looks like she's going into a conniption when he tells her she doesn't belong in his life. And she sounds all guttural when she's having a nightmare about him. People have been having conniptions about the color of his Volvo. No, it does not look like silver. It's still a Volvo, and it's still a total dad car, why doesn't Edward get a sporty little Bimmer like Rosalie? He really is like 108 years old, the only age where that kind of car is appropriate.

KStew looks totally hot in the motorcycle scene, her hair is all reddish and blowing in the wind. Too bad Jacob has to go and ruin the scene by existing. "I know what he did to you, I'd never hurt you." Well, Jacob that's because you suck. If you love someone you have to let them go sometimes, and Edward did it to protect her, no matter how totally lame that was. You are selfish and continually want to expose her to the wolfpack, where she could totally get hurt. Have you not seen what Sam did to Emily? Asshole.

Yeah, and don't grab her arm to stop her from going to save Edward, k? Thx.

Alice looks so cute when she's driving her porsche. Oh Edward in front of the Volturi, that scene is going to be so badass. He looks so wan and pained. And shirtless, definitely shirtless. KStew's all running through a fountain and screaming. That penultimate scene where Demetri is slamming Edward down on the ground and then the logo flashes is kickass.

Man the wolfpack fighting Laurent looks awesome, and closer to what I was imagining for that scene. And oh god, more Volturi. Apparently that scene is all about beating the shit out of Edward. The last part of the trailer where Dakota Fanning says, "This may hurt just a little," gave me chills.

I'm glad they had a lot of Alice and Volturi in this trailer. Not so much Cullens or Jacob. They gave a little taste of Italy and the wolfpack (who by the way, have amazing bodies, like holy shit). There was some action, Rob shirtless, Charlie Swan, and Jessica (whom I love in the movie). They did such a superior job on the makeup for this movie, it's unbelieveable. They even got a song from Death Cab on the soundtrack!

It looks way less cheesy than the other trailer did. When I first saw the trailer for Twilight, I hadn't read the books and as I was watching, two things flashed through my mind.

1. Cam Gigandet is such a douche. And I'm sure he's not in real life, but judging from his role as Volchok on the OC, and now as long flaxen haired baddie vamp James, I just want to hate him. He is very, very sexy though when he's not in James character. This was the first time I'd seen him since the OC, so that bad taste was still in my mouth.

2. This movie looks so effing lame. Like, Edward jumpin' around trees, stoppin' a truck, sayin' cheesy lines to Bella. He looks like a crazed meth addict with that hair and those expressions. I watched the trailer again the other day on the DVD, and I cringed. Knowing nothing about the books and seeing that did not make me want to see the movie. Really, "Forever begins now," in sparkly lettering? Is that how that's going to go?

This New Moon trailer might actually make people who aren't fans want to see the movie, the special effects look badass, the action is there, there looks like something more than just a love story between an awkward girl and her vampire boyfriend. Only 69 days, huzzah!