Saturday, May 16, 2009

Lessons learned from Zack Morris aka Top Ten Best Saved by the Bell Episodes

Okay, say what you will about Jimmy Fallon, but HE. Is. A. God.

Why you ask?

Oh, because he wants to get together the entire cast of Saved by the Bell for their 20th anniversary, which um...happens to be this year. OMFG.

Saved by the Bell is my favorite television show of all time. Note the present tense. I can quote almost every episode, since I've seen each one at least 15-20 times apiece (except for the Tori episodes, I like to forget that period ever happened). I grew up with the gang from Bayside. Literally, they were in my house every day, multiple times a day...on TBS, WGN, USA, TNT, and on our local KOCE channel. I still wake up early every day to catch 1-2 eps on TBS before I go to the hospital in the morning which makes me very pathetic, since I own the DVD sets.

So far, Dennis Haskins is the only one who has agreed, but let's look at the facts here: Dustin Diamond is obviously hard up for money, Elizabeth Berkley and Lark Voorhies are not really doing anything else, Tiffani Amber Thiessen is probably also available between TV movie gigs, and it is apparent that Mario Lopez will take any job, as he is hosting Extra. Mark Paul Gosselaar is currently a series regular on TNT's Raising the Bar with the mom from Malcolm in the Middle, Jane Kaczmarek. I think he would do it though, because he's awesome.

This is a picture Mark Paul and Tiffani Amber did a few years ago as a Zack and Kelly reunion.

To celebrate this stupendous news story, I've ranked my ten favorite episodes of SBTB.

10. Pipe Dreams. This was the perfect example of a dichotomy of greed versus social conscience. When oil is discovered on Bayside's football field, everyone is ecstatic at the prospect of having riches and fame, but when they realize the true cost of this discovery in the form of dead biology subjects, it doesn't really seem worth it, does it?

When they brought in Becky the duck all covered in oil, I cried.

Lesson learned: Don't trust the man, the man being big, bad oil companies. Especially if the man wears a Bolo tie.

Quote: Jessie and Kelly in unison: Stop the Drilling, Stop the Oil!

9. Fake I.D.s. The only reason this ep makes my top ten is because the sleezebag Jeff Hunter is found out to be a cheating bastard when the gang gets fake IDs to sneak into cool kid dance club, The Attic. To this day, I still dislike Patrick Muldoon. Did I say dislike? I mean hate.

Lesson: Don't be a cheating bastard. Plus, girls from USC are easily fooled into going out with anyone.

Quote: Jeff when caught by Kelly: It's not like we're going steady!

I love that it used to be calling going steady in the early 90s.

8. Palm Springs Weekend, part 1. This episode sets up the premise of Daddy issues for Jessie when he marries Leslie, a much younger fitness instructor (which was the whore occupation of the early 90s), and we all know what happens next...Jessie becomes a stripper in Las Vegas. Excellent foresight, SBTB writers.

Lesson: Fathers be good to your daughters, or they will end up schtupping Kyle MacLachlan in a pool.

Quote: Zack: Oh my gosh, I hit on your mother!

7. Boss Lady. I had to at least have one episode of the Malibu Sands Beach Club era, and this one is my favorite because the scene where they are making the old people eat really fast is very comical. And Screech really would take a metal detector onto the beach and cause a frenzy. And the way Kelly is so possessive of "her beach" is pretty classic. Jenny went all My Super Sweet Sixteen like 15 years before than show ever existed. I want, I want, I want...

Lesson learned: the art of negotiating with Mexican kitchen staff. We strike!

Quote: Slater says to Stacey (a pre-Scientology Leah Remini), "Way to go, Terminator 3," which is so indicative of the time period.

6. Screech's Special Sauce. The sauce you can buy, but the recipe, she's-a mine. Soleil Moon Frye is in this ep which totally elevated it in the ranks.

Lesson learned: This episode teaches about entrepreneurship and copyright infringement, but more importantly, that girls from Beverly Hills are shallow moneygrubbers.

Quote: There are a lot, but this one is a favorite. The girls: Mama mia, Papa pia, buy two get the third one free-a!

5. The Zack Tapes. Zack uses subliminal messages in the girls' Bo Revere tapes to get Kelly to ask him to the sweetheart dance. Screech dresses up as a new student named Barbra Bush to deliver said tapes. There was also some homoerotic undertones when Slater announces, "[Zack] is going to the dance with me!" and he puts his medallion on Zack. All around awesome. Plus, other than Mr. Dewey, Ms. Wentworth was my favorite Bayside teacher. Except for Tony Crane, that is.

Lesson learned: Zack...Zack...Zack...

Quote: Zack Morris is a blonde Tom Cruise.

4. Mystery Weekend. I feel like this is a really underrated episode. It's got intrigue, adventure, a twisted ending. Mr. Jamison is like super creepy, too. I've always wanted a mango tonic with a kiwi twist.

Lesson: When a man offers you vouchers, he's really trying to frame you for murder. Suspect everyone, trust no one.

Quote: Jessie: Are you really going to drink that? Lisa: No, it goes with my outfit!

3. No Hope with Dope. In one word, would I do dope? Nope. That quote pretty much sums up my life. Thanks, Zack Morris and the late Brandon Tartikoff, for teaching me that drugs are bad.

Lesson: Come on, this ep was one big PSA. Also, it taught me that people in Hollywood are douchers.

Quote: There are a lot, but one particular from Johnny Dakota stands out to me, "I don't need this aggravation!" He said, in true 90s Hollywood asshole fashion.

2. Wicked Stepbrother, part I. There is a lot to this two parter. Zack pretends he's Jewish to get out of school and go to the Dodgers game. Slater is hired to install a CD player into Mrs. Belding's new Miata. Jessie's mother gets married and she inherits the step-brother from Hell, Eric. Eric is from New York, and you can tell this because he's got greasy hair and a devil may care attitude. He also leaves the toilet seat up and blackmails Slater and Zack, who get him back by trying to catch him in the act of driving Mrs. Belding's car. Unfortch, Lisa ends up driving and crashing, and they are effed.

Lesson learned: Don't trust guys from New York. Just don't do it.

Quote: Lisa: Zack, you are meshugenuh.

1. Jessie's Song. I'm pretty sure this is everyone's favorite or at least it's the most memorable episode when Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills. Screech dresses up like a janitor named Sinead O'Conner to record the girls. We were introduced to Hot Sundae, which I actually really like their song, Go For It! Put your mind to it, go for it, you're gonna break a sweat. Rock n Roll you ain't seen nothing yet! It was better than anything Zack Attack put out.

Lesson: Hello, caffeine pills?

Who can't quote, "I'm so excited...I'm so excited...I'm so...scared!?"

Honorable mention to the Last Dance, Running Zack, Home for Christmas, The Prom, Cut Day, Operation Zack (is Lisa's mom really an orthopod?). I freaking love this show.

1 comment:

  1. I like the episode where Zack daydreams in his garage about their band. Of course Slater plays the drums because that's the easiest instrument to play? And that blonde bimbo antagonizes Zack until he calls himself, "Mr. Madonna."