Sunday, May 31, 2009

My name is Amy, and I'm addicted to Twilight.

I seriously shouldn't act this way. I am a 24 year old adult. I am a medical doctor. Like, I'm seriously ashamed at how retarded I get about this Twilight stuff. It's a sickness. I seriously watched a paparazzi video of Robert Pattinson eating dinner the other day. I've never felt more dirty in my life.

And I'm also like shaking whenever he is shown on my tv screen. It's beyond me having a crush on Edward Cullen. I have a full-fledged crush on this 23 year old kid (I am 24). I think it goes without saying, I would sex him. Hard. Seriously, I've meet five year olds who are more appropriate than me. At least who can keep it together and not lose their shit at the mere suggestion of this guy.

New Moon trailer = fan-fucking-tastic. The birthday party scene? I was not even coherent. I was like looking around my empty apartment for some sort of consensus on the awesomeness of that scene. OMFG. I loves me some Jasper. Like obsesionado with Jasper. Edward is of course perpetually emo and distressed and dead sexy. They really sexed Kristen Stewart up for this movie because she looks a lot cuter. And um, I would so statutorily rape Taylor Lautner. I'm just saying...that boy has the best body I've seen in a long time. Dare I say even better than these pictures that I've been surreptitiously looking at all week.

The transformation was pretty badass, even though Jacob totally looks like an Akita we used to have. Someone's been working out...As Dawn (fellow adult female Twilight fan) says, we are going to jail. Just slap the handcuffs on me now and take me away.

Twilight even forced me to watch the 2009 MTV movie awards to catch a glimpse of my boyfriend. I was not disappointed. Thank God for rabid Twilight fans who probably got carpal tunnel from texting and clicking so many times to vote. All worth it, ladies. There was a lot of him.

Robert Pattinson is so fucking hot. And he was hot while wearing a decidedly probably really ugly on a non-movie star navy blazer!!! Plus his undershirt was showing, which is usually a turn off, but I'm totally into it now. And I never thought I'd say this, but Cam Gigandet is fucking hot too. He played Volchok on the OC, and actually he plays a real asshole in everything he's in--but he and RPattz picked up the award for Best Fight, and I wanted to lick the TV. If I wasn't aware how completely unsanitary that is, I would have. Anything to be close to you, Edward Cullen. Anyway, Robert also made an allusion to shitting himself while accepting the award for Breakthrough Male which is strange and yet unsettlingly arousing to me.

The real surprise here is that I think I have a crush on Kristen Stewart now. She accepted the award for Best Female Performance, and she straight up dropped her popcorn statue in the most awkward Bella Swan moment ever, exclaiming, "I'm exactly as awkward as you thought I would be! Bye!" Plus, her dress was killer and she wore Converse with it. I love her eff-you attitude. As a person who has been misunderstood for being standoffish and aloof, I relate to her. She is a badass. Don't ever change. Plus, she and RPattz cannot keep their hands out of their hair in nervousness. It makes me palpitate when they do it.

The worst part of the night was when the pair won for Best Kiss...and teased the fuck out of their faithful audience including me. They made a big show out of the preparation, with RPattz saying, "I have to remove my gum..." and then they slowly, painstakingly moved toward each other, as Robert's eyes were closed in anticipation, his nose resting on her forehead. It was hot. Oh, that I were a hair on her forehead. Sigh. And then Kristen splashed a bucket of cold water on everyone by turning to the camera and blurting out, "Thank you so much!" Without. Kissing. Him. Even though it was so obviously rehearsed, I think Rob was still a little disappointed (as was the rest of the world i.e. me). Like, I don't know if I believe the rumors that have RPattz and KStew hooking up off set...I think they are obviously very close friends and have a lot of chemistry and mutual understanding of each other...but I'm just saying, if I were her, I would take the opportunity and sex him up. This opportunity presents itself very rarely, Kristen. Carpe Diem. So that we may live through you, please. K, thx.

Obviously, twilighters were out in full force because they won 5/7 awards they were nominated for, excluding Best Song (Paramore was robbed by Hannah Montana) and Best Villain (deservedly won by Heath Ledger, sorry Cam hotness), and including Best Picture. Yeah. The Oscars this is not. I'm like totally okay with that though. MTV is a network that perpetuates Spencer Pratt's fame, so what were you expecting? BTW, who else is excited that Kristen Cavalleri is returning to "reality TV" on the Hills? I'm over LC anyway and haven't watched the show in like three seasons.

Andy Samberg was a good host. His opening sequence where he supplants himself into movies was hilarious--especially the Slumdog and Twilight scenes. "Hey, who is that?" upon seeing Edward Cullen. He also did a homemade New Moon trailer with TEEN WOLF. Awesome. Kings of Leon were sexy of course, and knowing that all but one are younger than me makes me want to kill myself.

The real trailer:

Kristen Stewart:

Best Kiss:

Oh I'm going to NYC tomorrow for vacation...and guess who I just found out is starting to shoot his new movie there this week? I'll be stalking...I mean seeing you, RPattz. Shout out to my boyfriend who has been very good natured about my obsession with another man. He knows to not get in the way though. Happy summer everybody!

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